Dear Jessamyn: Will having sex with new partners make me feel less jealous?
I think fucking a new partner to get over jealousy is exactly the same as drinking alcohol when you’re having a bad day.
It might make you feel better in the moment. I can think of more than a few days where drinking took the edge off whatever I was feeling. That didn’t stop the hangover from coming and it didn’t stop bad shit from happening while I was drunk. And no matter how much I drink, whatever I’m trying to avoid will still be there tomorrow.
That’s what it’s like when you start fucking other people to get over your jealousy. In the moment it’ll feel great. Or at least I hope it does. Otherwise, what was the point? You’ve found someone to give you the attention you crave and if you’re lucky you might get an orgasm out of it, too (🤞🏿🤞🏿🤞🏿). But after you’ve come down from the peak of Mount Orgasma and the world is regular colored again, you will probably still feel jealous. And maybe you’ll feel even worse than you did before you climbed Mount Orgasma because your healing method of choice didn’t work.
Nothing’s gonna stop you from eventually needing to feel all your feelings all the way through to completion. You will have to do it sooner or later. And it could be years from now. You could effectively silence your emotions for decades. But whether you’re eight or eighty you will have to feel your feelings eventually. They are stubborn bitches and they are not going anywhere, no matter how well you dress them up or hide from them or pretend they’re not there..
And if you are voluntarily choosing polyamory1 then jealousy is one of the emotions you are required to feel. Even if you don’t choose polyamory- maybe you’re one of those people who say they’re too jealous to be poly.
Even if you’re monogamous, you will still have to deal with jealousy in your relationships. Jealousy isn’t specific to romance-it comes up in platonic and familial relationships, too.
Jealousy is not a bad thing. It’s teaching you who you are beyond the mask that you wear for the world. Maybe you don’t like who you are. That’s okay. That makes sense. Most people don’t. You’re not supposed to like every part of yourself all the time. But you can show yourself respect by accepting who you are fully. And in order to accept yourself you have to see yourself. And that’s what the jealousy is inviting you to do.
So go ahead- fuck a few strangers. Indulge in that office romance. Get your tinder profile on and popping. Start some drama with that person you’ve been in love with for years but you were like ‘oh that’ll never work.’
And then, when you get home from fucking your little heart out and you still feel jealous, make a list of everything you’ve been meaning to do but haven’t given yourself the time to get around to.
Next time you’re feeling jealous, pull out that list. Start at the top, and work your way down. Fall in love with yourself by taking care of yourself. Give yourself the attention you deserve.
That is how to resolve your jealousy. By giving yourself what you need. Bonus? When you’re in love with you, it makes other people want to love you, too. But by then you may not care because you’ll finally be giving yourself the love you deserve.
There’s no getting over jealousy. It’s one of the most helpful teachers you’ll ever have.
Got a burning question that needs answering? DM me on IG @mynameis
jessamyn or email jessamynstanley@substack.com and I’ll do my best to answer.
I love you. Have a great day.
Jessamyn
I would argue that polyamory is an involuntary choice for all of us that identify that way but I digress.