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Today's video is called five things to ask yourself if you and your partner are considering polyamory.
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Polyamory is like the thing... Polyamory is having a moment.
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Like the hoes are poly now or they're at least thinking about it.
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I feel like everybody I know that has kids and is married is like...
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Yeah, we might need to see what's good about opening up this relationship.
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And that's like,
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if you're married and you have kids,
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like I feel like everybody who is like single is like,
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yeah,
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I'm gonna need more than one partner.
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Because the reality of the situation is we're all so many different people
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depending on what day of the week it is.
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And you might need to be with different people.
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Ultimately, polyamory isn't even really about being with other people.
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It's about being with yourself and having a really honest and authentic and true
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relationship with yourself.
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I actually really think that polyamory is about radical honesty, ultimately.
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But all of that, what polyamory is and isn't, that is a topic for a completely different video.
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Today's video is about five things to ask yourself if you and your partner are considering polyamory.
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Because if you are considering polyamory, welcome, shit's about to get messy.
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So to help out with that, here are five things that you can ask yourself to
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Just keep your head straight.
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Maybe I should say some credentials.
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I have been polyamorous for a very long time and I've been in several very long
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polyamorous relationships wherein we have dated many people over the course of the relationship.
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So I have fucked up a lot,
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I've had a lot of fun,
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I've learned a lot and I'm so excited to be able to be in community with you and to
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share the things that I wish I had thought about at some point.
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Yeah, okay.
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Five things to ask yourself if you and your partner are considering polyamory.
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Number one, why are we doing this?
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Why am I doing this?
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What is my intention?
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What's missing in my life that I think that this will help with or fill?
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Why am I choosing polyamory?
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Why are you choosing polyamory?
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And this is a cool thing to ask your partner.
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Like this is a great video to watch with your partner or partners or why am I choosing this?
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Where is this coming from inside me?
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Because sidebar, I don't think that everybody is poly.
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I don't think polyamory is for everybody.
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At the exact same time, I think that everybody is polyamorous.
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It's a whole thing.
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But I think that there's just so much that goes into this decision.
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And some people really are monogamous.
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And if you are going into polyamory because you think it's gonna save your relationship,
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with your partner because you think it's going to help you find love.
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Those are two that those are good things to know if you are going if you're going
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into it because you think it's going to save your relationship or because you think
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that it's going to help you find love.
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It ain't.
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If you think it's going to save your relationship, you should
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probably consider breaking up.
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And I don't, I'm not saying that like you should break up.
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I'm just saying like, that should be on the table too.
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If you're thinking about polyamory, which honestly it probably is if you're thinking about polyamory.
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I'm saying this with the deepest love and compassion and having been there and I feel you.
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If you're considering polyamory because you think it'll help you find love, um,
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Nothing is gonna help you find love that is not within yourself.
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Like all the love that you need is inside of yourself.
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And every partner that you ever have,
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every child that you ever have,
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every job that you ever have,
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it's just going to lead you to that conclusion.
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That the love that you're seeking from the outside world
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is actually happening inside of you.
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If you are choosing polyamory so that you can have a better relationship with yourself, lit, get into it.
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If you're choosing polyamory because you wanna have more sex, I'm loving it, get into it.
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But if you are trying to save a relationship with another person, I'm not saying that you can't do it.
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I'm just saying that it might not go well.
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It might not go well.
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People do it all the time, so honestly, don't listen to me.
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But yeah, okay, cool.
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All I was saying was that
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That number one thing is ask yourself, why am I doing this?
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What is my intention?
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What feels like it's missing in my life that I'm seeking to fill?
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Number two, oh, this is a follow.
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Number two, am I or are we doing this to save our relationship?
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Like I was saying before, if you are doing this to save your relationship, that's just good to know.
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That's just good to know, because then you can just do regular check-ins about that.
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Cool.
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Every month, how you feeling?
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If the answer is bad, that's informative.
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I say this with deep love.
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Cause I mean, you know, you know what?
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I'm not being compassionate enough.
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I want to take a step back.
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I'm being a bitch about this.
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I'm taking a step back because the reality is that you really might save your
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relationship with polyamory.
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Just opening it up,
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letting things breathe,
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let your partner go out,
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do whatever it is that they need to do.
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I think the point that I'm trying to make is that if your partner is poly,
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that doesn't necessarily mean that you are poly.
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So if your partner wants to explore polyamory,
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but you don't wanna explore polyamory,
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that is the thing to notice.
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It's hard whenever you're trying to like mesh with somebody and you're trying to
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say like,
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we're the same person.
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And so we're gonna make the same kinds of decisions.
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Like when you're being really codependent.
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In that situation, it's really easy to be like, we're being polyamorous.
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But it's like, start with an intention check and be like, do I really wanna be polyamorous?
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Are we doing this to save our relationship?
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Because maybe your partner is poly and you're monogamous.
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And I have heard that people successfully have relationships where one person is
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polyamorous and the other person is monogamous.
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I have never been in one of those relationships because I... I don't like to date monogamous people.
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because it feels like a conflict of interest for me, for me.
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But the hoes are out here doing it.
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You know what I mean?
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So like, if that's you, enjoy.
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But again, it's all just things to know.
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It's just information.
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There's nothing wrong with it.
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It's just information.
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Number three.
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Who will be impacted by my decision to be polyamorous?
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Who are my stakeholders outside of myself?
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Stakeholders could be kids, partners, pets, friends, family, coworkers, et cetera.
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I think it's important to consider who all is going to be impacted by this.
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If you have kids especially, you just wanna think about that.
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Like, cause they're gonna be impacted by it.
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It's not that it's bad, it's just like,
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It's just information and you wanna be loving and caring and careful and thinking
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of the people that you care about.
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Taking care, being generous and kind and knowing what's going on.
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Number four, what are my rules, guidelines, intentions, expectations, and what can I offer myself?
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Deep into being poly and I feel like I'm still figuring this shit out.
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It's like, what are my rules for myself?
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Is it that I need?
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What are my boundaries?
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What feels good for me?
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What does not feel good for me?
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What kind of people do I want around me?
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What do I deserve?
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What makes me feel happy?
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Maybe more importantly, what makes me feel sad?
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What does pleasure feel like in my body?
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Like actually knowing those things and it's not the sort of thing where you,
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I mean like maybe you like write it all down and tuck it away and you're like,
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yes,
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I know this about myself,
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but it is an ever evolving principle.
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You're always gonna be learning about yourself and it's always gonna be changing.
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There's gonna be something new that maybe you get into a relationship and you had
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your list of things that you thought like,
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Yes, this is my list.
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And then you get into the relationship, you're like, oh, fuck that list.
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That's not what I'm doing now.
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I'm a different person now.
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Like we should hope, you should hope to be different over time.
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You change, you become better.
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Just doing regular check-ins with yourself and really valuing your own perception
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and knowing that you know you best.
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No one can know you as well as you know you.
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Number five, final thing to think about.
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when you and your partner are considering polyamory.
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What are my rules,
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guidelines,
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intentions,
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expectations,
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and what can I offer my partner and my future partners?
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As much as you're thinking about what you need and who you want to be around you,
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it's also important to think about what are you able to offer somebody else?
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And this can get sticky because all of this.
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We're talking about fucking honey.
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This in particular,
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I think can get sticky because you can get like caught up in a dream world and be like,
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oh my God,
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what is my fantasy like?
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What would things be like if I just had the best life ever?
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And it's like, okay, cool.
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Let's go back to number three, where we were talking about who are the stakeholders.
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So like if you have kids, if you have a spouse,
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These are things that's going to impact what you can offer somebody else.
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So if you get into a relationship with someone and you start using the L word,
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if you start and the L word is not lesbian,
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if you start,
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if you start saying the word love,
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if you start having unprotected sex,
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if you start using like
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deep personal words of affirmation,
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if you start fucking at your house,
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if you start having dates on school nights where your kids might see them.
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These are all things that lead you down a road and it just makes you wonder,
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can I be true to the person that I'm in a relationship with?
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Can I actually show up for them?
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And I think that for single people who date poly people,
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who have other partners,
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this can get like really fucked up.
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And I'm so curious if you're watching this,
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if you have been in a relationship with someone in a poly relationship where like
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they were not being honest with themselves about what they could offer,
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and they ended up like really hurting you because you had expectations based on
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their behavior and they weren't checking it with themselves.
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And then on the other side,
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raise your hand if you have been that person who is like,
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damn,
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I'm out here catching feelings for somebody.
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Meanwhile,
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I got a whole ass family at the house and I'm not,
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maybe my partner doesn't even know that I'm poly.
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Maybe I'm married.
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They don't even know that I got this other person that I'm seeing.
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Like,
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super common,
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totally reasonable,
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because frankly,
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we live in a society of liars,
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so we end up lying to each other all the time.
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But what's really cool about polyamory is that ultimately, it's all about honesty.
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So all of these experiences are just an opportunity for you to get really honest
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with yourself,
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start telling yourself the truth.
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And then as soon as you start telling yourself the truth, you'll be able to tell your lovers the truth.
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And yeah, it is hard.
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And somebody might throw their shoe at you.
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But...
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learn to duck and dodge and have really honest conversations because you gotta get
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through the hard part to have the good part.
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There's nothing good in this life that doesn't come through hardship.
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If you're willing to get honest with yourself and respect the people that you love
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enough to receive their truth and wade through all the shit with them,
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you'll end up in a dense valley of love.
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you will be experiencing love in every moment of your life.
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And it will be so big and vast, immeasurable.
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And it might take years.
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And it might not look the way that you think it should look.
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And you might have to make some major adjustments and alterations.
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but it'll be worth it.
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Thank you so much for watching this video.
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Drop all your questions, comments, thoughts, everything that this video has provoked into the comments.
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I'm so excited to be here with you on this journey.
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I'm honored that you would come and check out my page.
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Practice yoga with me here on the underbelly.
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I just wanna say,
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if you're going through some shit like starting out on your poly journey,
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start practicing yoga.
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That will help a lot.
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Check out my naked yoga classes on OnlyFans.
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Have a great day.
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I'm Jessamyn Stanley.
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I love you.
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